From an early age, I knew that I was gay, but I could not reconcile this knowledge with my self-image as a good, obedient girl. How could I possibly be something that society rejected as 'dirty', 'evil', 'polluted' and completely outside of respectability? Gay people were foreign, dangerous outsiders �'out there'.

Raised saturated on a constant diet of heternormative imagery and assumptions at school, in the media and at home, I deeply feared belonging to a highly stigmatized group. Like most teenagers, I longed to belong, fit in, and be accepted. I therefore strove to conform to heterosexual norms as much as possible. Image of rows of wooden chairs.

Ironically, although I formally came out to my parents at the age of seventeen, I remained spiritually, socially and emotionally deeply closeted. 

Although I did not actively seek to change my sexual orientation, I did seek to actively repress it.  I used my studies (at this time I was a university student) to completely avoid and deny my sexuality. Books were my closest and most trustworthy friends. I hid from others and from myself.

When boys asked me out, I felt obliged to say yes � having learned early on from 'compulsory heterosexuality' to read boy's interest in me as a sign of my value and worth as a human being. Not one friend knew that I was gay during this time, leading to friendships that could never deepen beyond a certain level.  So great was my oppression, I did not permit myself to admire women � I sought refuge in a numbing, constant asexual academic routine that left no room for other activities, creativity- or of course, dating.

I am sharing this so that others are aware that there are different types of ex-gay experiences, including in a non-religious environment.  I also want to highlight how coming out is not necessarily a linear process, consisting of a single, dramatic coming out, followed by automatic, profound transformation. Rather, coming out can be, and was for me, an ongoing, gradual process akin to unveiling � one painful layer at a time.

Kathryn, was born in 1977 in the UK, raised in Canada, and studies anthropology. She has studied in Canada, the UK, Sweden, Spain, and now Italy!

This testimony is Copyright 2007 BeyondExGay.Com. Used with permission.