Growing up, I can't recall consciously acknowledging my attractions to other guys. They were definitely there, just as certainly as I lacked any physical attraction to girls, but all I knew about gay people was what I heard in church "that they were godless, hopelessly depraved and hellbent on destroying civilization" so naturally as a good Christian boy I couldn't possibly be one of those.

Fifty years ago when I was beginning my struggle to come to terms with my homosexuality there were no Christian ex-gay programs, at least none that I was aware of. Nor was there any gay rights movement, and books treating the subject were few and hard to find. Christian churches were unanimous in condemning homosexuality as a sin. The psychiatric profession listed it as a severe but curable mental illness, while the legal establishment defined it as a crime. Society grouped homosexuals together with child molesters, rapists, voyeurs, and exhibitionists into a catch-all category called variously sex perverts, sexual deviates, or simply sex fiends. All were widely and equally feared and despised.

Inevitably I absorbed and internalized many of these homophobic attitudes, coming to believe that I was seriously mentally ill. Predictably the effect on my self-esteem was highly negative. While I was able to maintain some degree of self-respect, my self-confidence suffered. Queers were not known for their competence and ability.

I came to Christ at the age of 14 after attending a Christian boy�s camp in Maine. Within a year of accepting Christ, I was affirmed by people in my Conservative Baptist church as a �natural leader� with potential to do great things. At the age of 15 I began serving each summer as a camp counselor at various Christian camps in New England. I was also very active in my church�s youth group and began expressing my love for music by playing guitar and singing in church. I attended Bible college in New Jersey and a Christian liberal arts college in New York.

At the age of 23 I began working at a Christian school in Massachusetts, and I served as principal of that school for 7.5 years. My spiritual and intellectual gifts were always noticed by others and I never had trouble finding opportunities to serve God in fun and challenging ministry roles. But I had a secret�While my life as a natural-born Christian leader was moving full-steam ahead, my identity as a gay man was also moving forward, keeping pace with my outer successes in ministry.